Asking the Questions

Choosing your divorce mediator is personal. Think about it. You’ll be discussing and making decisions about the things you care about most…..your children, your home, your money, your future, your security, your life. Interview the mediator, ask questions, and make sure they are knowledgeable, dedicated and compassionate. If they will not talk with you before you start, don’t hire them. I have never met a dedicated, compassionate, knowledgeable mediator that is unwilling to talk with a potential client.

Ask about the traditional “need to know” things such as:

• Process…What process does the mediator use? A facilitative process with the parties in the same room, even if it sounds hard, is the most productive and produces the most sustainable agreements and client satisfaction. Shuttle mediation with clients separated is often done for the benefit of the attorneys because they cannot handle client emotions themselves, so the clients lose the benefit of face-to-face dialogue.
• Experience…Have they mediated a substantial number of divorce and family cases? Have they had experience with the types of emotional situations you anticipate? Mediation is not therapy, but emotions will come up so the mediator needs to be able to guide you through these. Does the mediator have experience with the types of substantive issues (parenting, property, debt, spousal and child support, tax, legal)? If they do not have sufficient knowledge in these areas the mediator will either miss or sub the issue out, costing you more time and money.
• Education and Credentials….Is the mediator an attorney, a therapist? Don’t stop here. Where did they receive their training and have they kept on learning and perfecting their skills? No matter what the education is, make sure the mediator also possesses sufficient experience to mediate effectively. Many therapists have knowledge about financial issues and legal issues gained from legal peers, trainings and prior mediation experiences and may be better mediators than inexperienced attorney/mediators; many attorneys have knowledge about parenting and communication gained from trainings, child specialist peers, readings and prior mediation experiences and be better mediators than inexperienced therapist/mediators.
• Passion….is the mediator dedicated to mediation? The most effective mediators are the ones who believe in the mediation; they know it serves clients best.
  
  Ask the right questions….you will find the best mediator for you and your spouse.

~Debra

Mindful Mediation

Last weekend approximately 250 mediators, arbitrators, lawyers and conflict resolution professionals gathered at the 16th Annual Northwest Dispute Resolution Conference in Seattle, Washington. This conference is an outstanding collaboration between The Washington Law School Foundation, the ADR Section of Washington State Bar Association, Washington Mediation Association , the ADR Section of the King County Bar Association and Resolution Washington.

So how was it? Exceptional as always! Mingling with colleagues and friends, catching up on new happenings in the ADR community is always inspiring, but what I noticed most this year was how many of the workshops focused on…or at least brought up “mindfulness”. The keynote speaker, Leonard Riskin, ADR pioneer, has been advancing meditation and contemplative practice to improve service to client and increase professional satisfaction since the late 80’s. Followed by eminent Kenneth Cloke, of Center for Dispute Resolution, Santa Monica, co-founder of Mediators Beyond Borders and author of numerous books and articles. I was delighted for the opportunity to reconnect with Ken; I had the pleasure of taking a training from Ken a couple of years ago that gave me an even deeper appreciation for the mediation work that I do. Ken spoke about the language of conflict; as always with Ken the value of a meditative style and staying mindful were woven throughout his talk.

Stephanie West Allen, wise and delightful, known in the ADR community for developing a ground-breaking mediation model that utilizes neuroscience, spoke on shifting from reactive mind to responsive mind which requires the practitioner to take concrete steps in mindfulness to implement. Stephanie has an incredible blog. I was grateful for the opportunity to share dinner with Stepahnie and Leonard along with a few colleagues...the time to connect was invaluable and enlightening!

Mindfulness and mediation go hand-in-hand, so I could not resist finishing the day by participating in Doug Nathan’s Mindful Mediation: Managing the Stress in the Room for Improved Results. Doug is a Seattle based skilled facilitator, trainer and mediator who I have had the opportunity to meet through other colleagues, so I was very interested in what he had to say…and he said a lot! He connected mindfulness and mediation in a nutshell……citing John-Kabat-Zinn's book Full Catastrophe Living, described 7 components of mindfulness:

• Non-judging


• Patience


• Beginner’s Mind


• Trust


• Non-striving


• Acceptance


• Letting Go

Which, not surprising, are all essential to a mediator mind as well as a meditative mind!