Finding Your Divorce Mediator!

Locating a qualified divorce mediator is essential and significant to the process. The mediator is your guide throughout the divorce mediation process. At first locating a mediator may seem like looking for a needle in a haystack because divorce mediators have all sorts of backgrounds and abilities, from lawyers to therapists to financial professionals and many in between. One difficulty is that in most states anyone can hang their shingle and mediate.
So how do you distinguish a really good mediator from a so-so mediator?

First, get some names of “possibly” qualified mediators to interview. Various sources can get you started on the path to finding mediators with good professional qualifications and knowing a mediator has good professional qualifications is a great place to start! Consider:

• Referral from another professional you respect such as an attorney, a therapist, a financial professional


• Professional Associations such as:
  > Association of Conflict Resolution which classifies mediators by training and experience
  > International Academy of Collaborative Professionals which lists Collaborative Law professionals by state; mediators that appear on the state directories provided by IACP are trained in collaborative practice which may be beneficial


• Mediation Directories such as:
  > mediate.com which classifies mediators by training and experience


• Referral from people you know who are the mediator’s former clients, after all, they can give you a synopsis of their own experience.

Reminder.......It is important to use a directory service that classifies mediators by training and experience so that you can narrow your options down before you begin interviewing mediators.

Now you’re ready to narrow it down and interview! We will give you tips on this next time!

~Debra

Mediation Steps

What are the steps involved in mediation?

• Locate and contact a qualified mediator: It is important to work with a mediator who is capable of handling the issues involved in your particular situation and with whom both people feel comfortable.
• Initial meeting: The mediator reviews the process with the couple and sets ground rules.
• Frame issues: The mediator helps the couple express and understand each other’s goals and needs, identify key issues and establish the course to resolve them. The issues involved in divorce mediation usually include division of assets and debts, parenting schedule and decision making, child support, spousal support, tax planning and any other issues that are relevant to the couple’s particular situation.
• Information gathering and review: The mediator guides the clients to gather information, making sure each spouse has full information before making any decisions. Couples may be guided by the mediator or choose to consult with interdisciplinary professionals such as financial, tax, therapists, real estate, child specialists, vocational consultants or appraisers. The couple is encouraged to consult with separate attorneys throughout the process.
• Negotiate agreement: The mediator facilitates discussions and brainstorming to move the couple toward settlement by helping the couple develop various options to meet their needs and goals taking into account their similar goals and balancing their differences. Throughout the negotiation process reality testing is done so the couple can determine if options are workable. Often times the couple consults with their respective attorneys during this stage.
• Written agreement: Once the couple has reached an agreement the mediator drafts the agreement which is then usually reviewed each person’s attorney. After the attorneys have looked at the document, the couple reconvenes with the mediator to review and make changes. The agreement is then finalized and incorporated into their divorce order.

A great book to read about the steps involved in divorce mediation is Mediating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Manual by Marilyn S. McKnight and Stephen K. Erickson of Erickson Mediation Institute

~Debra

Saying Good-bye!

Tip: Remember to NOT fall in love with a particular asset. It may be best to simply say good-bye.

One couple I mediated for had a Swedish ivy that they both were stuck on, but no one told me about it until everything else was negotiated.

The couple reached a mediated divorce agreement on all issues, which they had taken great care and time in reaching and both felt was equitable. And then, out of the blue, the wife said she wanted the Swedish ivy which was hanging on the deck of the former marital residence where the Husband lived. The Husband was adamantly opposed to giving her the plant.

The Swedish ivy issue came up after ALL other issues were settled and at the end of the session, of course. So we scheduled another session, which would cost them far more than buying another lush plant, this was their choice. That did not make economic sense in and of itself. However, it got worse. After the couple left my office they quarreled and the entire agreement started to unravel. The couple decided to schedule another mediation session with the attorneys present.

At the session with the attorneys, who were a bit puzzled by the Swedish ivy issue, the couple was able to quickly put the financial agreement back together with a little tweaking. However, the couple then went back to grapple over the Swedish ivy. Ultimately, the couple was able to solve the Swedish ivy issue at that session, after much time, discussion, and pressure from their attorneys, so all ended well. Except did it? At what cost? There is the economic cost of paying two attorneys and a mediator while the couple haggled over the plant. But more importantly, there is the emotional cost which will last for a long time. They both ended up feeling like they “gave in”…not over the divorce settlement, but over the plant compromise.

What do you think? Is the Swedish ivy worth it?

~Debra

Key to the Puzzle!

Divorce mediation is a client centered, transparent, flexible process that allows clients to create a plan that meets their unique needs and goals based on their circumstances. But what if the divorce clients do not have the information and skills they need to make decisions?

Mediation is the key that enables the divorce clients to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Fundamental to the process of divorce mediation is that the clients have the information necessary to make decisions that support their needs and goals based on their circumstances. The mediator guides the clients through the process, helping them to identify the issues, determine the information they need, and find the resources to get the information.

The key to a successful mediated divorce is getting the information needed from the professionals most able to give it. Mediation includes clients consulting with interdisciplinary professionals as needed. Depending on the knowledge of the clients and their goals, the clients choose to bring experts in and out of the mediation process. Not all mediation clients use all of the professionals. In fact, most clients decide to not use all of the interdisciplinary professionals, it is their choice. The mediator shapes and guides the process so the divorcing couple is able to determine which professionals are needed and how the information provided by the professionals will be used in the mediation framework.
Some of the Interdisciplinary professionals the divorce clients may choose to use include:

• Therapists


• Financial planners


• CPAs


• Business appraisers


• Real property appraisers


• Child specialists

In addition, most clients benefit from working with a consulting attorney throughout the divorce mediation process. The attorney may educate the client about the law, help them learn negotiation skills, advise them about options and handle the legal paperwork.

~ Debra