Choosing your divorce mediator is personal. Think about it. You’ll be discussing and making decisions about the things you care about most…..your children, your home, your money, your future, your security, your life. Interview the mediator, ask questions, and make sure they are knowledgeable, dedicated and compassionate. If they will not talk with you before you start, don’t hire them. I have never met a dedicated, compassionate, knowledgeable mediator that is unwilling to talk with a potential client.
Ask about the traditional “need to know” things such as:
- Process…What process does the mediator use? A facilitative process with the parties in the same room, even if it sounds hard, is the most productive and produces the most sustainable agreements and client satisfaction. Shuttle mediation with clients separated is often done for the benefit of the attorneys because they cannot handle client emotions themselves, so the clients lose the benefit of face-to-face dialogue.
- Experience…Have they mediated a substantial number of divorce and family cases? Have they had experience with the types of emotional situations you anticipate? Mediation is not therapy, but emotions will come up so the mediator needs to be able to guide you through these. Does the mediator have experience with the types of substantive issues (parenting, property, debt, spousal and child support, tax, legal)? If they do not have sufficient knowledge in these areas the mediator will either miss or sub the issue out, costing you more time and money.
- Education and Credentials….Is the mediator an attorney, a therapist? Don’t stop here. Where did they receive their training and have they kept on learning and perfecting their skills? No matter what the education is, make sure the mediator also possesses sufficient experience to mediate effectively. Many therapists have knowledge about financial issues and legal issues gained from legal peers, trainings and prior mediation experiences and may be better mediators than inexperienced attorney/mediators; many attorneys have knowledge about parenting and communication gained from trainings, child specialist peers, readings and prior mediation experiences and be better mediators than inexperienced therapist/mediators.
- Passion….is the mediator dedicated to mediation? The most effective mediators are the ones who believe in the mediation; they know it serves clients best.
Ask the right questions….you will find the best mediator for you and your spouse.
~Debra
4 comments:
A concise yet well written piece. We here in New Jersey often joke that your hairstylist needs a license to shave your head but your mediator needs only a business card to mediate your divorce. Don't be afraid to speak with a few mediators before you select one and ask lots of questions as who you select is going to play a large role in how well your mediation will go.
Thank you Joseph. Your comment about being a hair stylist and needing more licensing vs requirements needed to mediate a divorce is unfortunately so true. I believe this is part of the problem in marketing mediation...lack of quality control at any level. Not that a license necessarily offers safety; however, it is at least a first step! Keep getting the word out!
Thank you for encouraging perspective clients to ask questions about the mediator's experience and training. It is very surprising to me as a mediator that so few people want to know the necessary information to make an informed decision about what model of mediation to use. Because mediation has not been regulated as other professions have, differentiation of models such as we see in psychology, has for a variety of reasons, been resisted. This is actually a confusion not just for clients but among mediation professionals themselves. I use the Norm-Educating model based on Ellen Waldman's analysis of three categories of mediation models, and have outlined these in two journal articles. If mediation is based first and formost on self-determination of the parties, then understanding the mediator's model is critical information.The descriptors of "evaluative" and "facilitative" that come from Leonard Riskin's 1997 article were never meant to be either/or categories. All mediators facilitate and all evaluate.
For more tips on the mediation legal process, read true stories (and share your own) at: http://champagnedivorce.com/stories/mediation/ Someone writes in their "Young Lovers -> True Friends" story: "It took so long that by the time our divorce was finalized, we weren’t that angry anymore! (we mostly did the process ourselves)"
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