Imagine Peace!

Imagine what would happen if everyone practiced non-violence and chose peace!

Dedication to non-violence and peace in behavior and thought is a primary reason that I have chosen to practice mediation. Mediation fosters non-violent, constructive conflict resolution more than other forms of dispute resolution. Through my own practice I look for ways to advance peace in the world. A dear friend just brought my attention to an amazing movement to raise peace consciousness!

On November 7, 2008, Deepak Chopra, took a vow of non-violence in his thoughts, in his speech and in his actions. He then asked the almost 500 people attending the plenary session for the Alliance for a New Humanity in Barcelona if they would join him in this commitment. He then invited everyone to join in this commitment and take the vow which can be done at http://www.itakethevow.com/vow .

I am taking the vow as part of my Thanksgiving gratitude ritual---acknowledging all the good in my life, affirming my dedication to peace and offering my pledge to make this contribution to our world. If you feel inspired and ready to do so, I invite you to also take (or renew) this vow!

Happy Thanksgiving!

~Debra

Happy Thanksgiving!

Holidays can be a stressful time for many families, divorce adds even more complexity because of the changes to routines and family traditions. The most important thing to do is to be civil with your former spouse and keep your children in mind so that they can enjoy the holiday and the turkey….no matter how you feel. Here are some tips!

• Take care of yourself! Holidays can bring up feelings of sadness, especially if the focus is on the past memories and losses. Instead, try to focus on what you are thankful for…..this might be done by making a list of all things you are grateful for and every time you start feeling sad, read the list and remember the good things in your life.



• Keep the holiday upbeat! Express your sadness to friends, but keep the children out of the middle…don’t blame or complain to the children.



• Plan the holiday! Talk to the children and and former spouse so you get their ideas.



• Focus on the children’s needs! Children oftentimes suffer anxiety because they worry about the parents being alone on the holiday and they are upset about changing family traditions. Remember, your children love you and your former spouse. Ask your children about their feelings; reassure them that both parents love them.



• Stay flexible! There are many ways to share the holiday time with the other parent. Some parents split the day, children with one parent for breakfast and the other parent for dinner; or have a two day holiday, one parent celebrates on Thursday and one parent on Friday; or share the day and have dinner or desert together; or alternate from year to year.



• Honor the plan! Whatever you decide with your former spouse, keep the plan intact.

Have a Joyful Thanksgiving!

~ Debra

Co-creating for Clients

The First Annual Conference of Collaborative Professionals of Washington was a huge success! What a vibrant, progressive group of professionals! And just as I mentioned last week, at the conference there was a session in which Collaborative Professionals and mediators dialogued about how using mediation in the Collaborative process could better serve clients! The discussion forum was well attended and it truly was an effort in co-creation as we explored many options to collaborate! Very exciting!

First we looked at what mediation and Collaborative Law have in common. Both processes are:

• Client- centered


• Interdisciplinary
  
• Interest based rather than adversarial

We discussed how to create a flexible approach that balances needs of clients and serves clients better by working together. Ideas about how mediation can be used in the Collaborative community are:

• Early Stage facilitating with two Collaborative lawyers (meeting with or without lawyers present depending on the needs of the clients)
  
• Late stage facilitating to avoid impasses
  
• Interim agreements


• Case Management to help the case flow easier


• Post decree (parenting issues, child support modifications, spousal maintenance)

Advantages may be:

• Flexible model to meet diverse needs of clients


• Cost savings for clients


• More advocacy by attorneys for clients


• Interdisciplinary approach designed for particular client needs

Thanks to all for participating in this dialogue to discuss progressive ways to work together in order to create a win-win process for clients! A special thanks to Stephen Gaddis and Chris Kane for advancing this joint effort and inviting me to be on the panel with them!

~Debra

An Educational Opportunity!

Today I am headed to the First Annual Conference of Collaborative Professionals of Washington (CPW), in Gig Harbor. CPW’s purpose is to advance best practices for Collaborative Professionals, which they define as “independent attorneys and allied mental health, financial, and counseling professionals". There is no mention of mediators.

However, I am very excited about attending this conference because it is a learning opportunity! It is through education that mediators and Collaborative Professionals will learn to serve their clients better. A hot topic at this conference is “the Interplay Between Mediation and the Collaborative Process". That discussion should be lively, constructive and broaden our awareness!

Why wouldn’t mediators and Collaborative Professionals work together? After all, mediators and Collaborative Professionals are all working to advance cooperative, constructive approaches to divorce…and other legal issues….. …..it seems natural that mediation would be part of the Collaborative process, especially considering that Collaborative process is founded upon mediation principles.

Actually mediation is sometimes used as part of the Collaborative Practice…… usually towards the later stages. Many clients could benefit from mediation being part of the Collaborative process in the early stages. We are specifically going to talk about this issue, which excites me because by working together and learning from each other no telling what light bulbs will go off so we can be better prepared to serve clients!

The other thing that excites me is that Stu Webb, the founder of Collaborative Law will be attending and speaking at the conference. See you next week!


~Debra

The Initial Divorce Imbalance

Inevitably, one person in a relationship reaches the decision to divorce first. He or she has given it a lot of thought before approaching the other spouse or partner. So when the subject is broached, the initiator is psychologically ahead. Unless you are in an abusive relationship, if you are the initiator, try to be compassionate about this. Give your spouse/partner the space to catch up.

Divorce shouldn't be thought of as a contest, where there are winners and losers. If you have children, start out by keeping them out of the middle. They are not pawns to get back at your spouse/partner. They are children and you are the adult. As you move forward, you will be making decisions throughout the divorcing process. For each one, consider its impact on the children first.

Throughout the process, bring your own best self. Envision civil negotiations and embody civility. It's not easy. But you'll be glad you did.

--Nancy

When To Start Mediation

“When is the best time to start mediation?”

Ask yourself how you want your divorce to turn out…how do you want to feel in a year…two years….ten years?

Nothing about divorce is easy. Divorcing couples feel confused, stressed, angry and fearful. Their emotions are ignited and may seem out of control. But how the divorce evolves is in your hands and will affect you for years to come. Divorcing couples who start by litigating usually become more entrenched in their positions, more distrustful and more acrimonious because litigation fuels the fire by pitting one family member against the other! Starting mediation after you have already started litigating your divorce is like trying to put a fire out after you have drenched it with gasoline! You choose.

It is in your hands…..you can contain the flames by choosing mediation. You can start mediation anytime, but the best time to start is in the beginning of the divorce process. Early stage mediation moves divorcing couples toward cooperation by providing a structure that is designed to alleviate the confusion and get people talking in a less acrimonious manner …..putting out of the blaze, step by step by step.

Most mediators will encourage or even require you to have lawyers, but you can get a lawyer anytime in the process. You can hire a lawyer who will support you in mediation instead of litigating……many lawyers promote a cooperative, mediation process. When to get a lawyer and how often to consult with a lawyer will depend on your particular needs. Your mediator can help you determine those needs. And remember….your lawyer works for you…..so make sure your lawyer support you in the mediation process! After all, it is your life, not your lawyer’s.

"The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame. " - Byron

~Debra