Telling the Children

Keep your children from feeling they have to choose! How parents tell their children about the divorce sets the stage for how the parents will co-parent in the future and has a significant impact on whether the children thrive………no matter what you do legally, both of you will continue to be parents. A great book to help you with this is “Mom’s House Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.

Telling your children is not easy, but there are some things that you can do to help them with the transition.

Have a Plan…..talk with your spouse and prepare to tell your children so you are both on the same page. If you cannot talk with your spouse alone, work with a mediator or a therapist to help the two of you plan a dialogue so you can get on the same page and be prepared. Remember, you and your spouse are the adults!

Tell the Children Together……this gives the children confidence and lets them know Mom and Dad are both going to be there for them and they do not need to feel divided.

Keep Children Out of Adult Issues……know what you will say, keep blame out of it and stay calm. Your children need to know you are both still going to be there for them, will continue to love them and they do not need to choose who is the “good” parent and who is the “bad” parent, it is ok to keep loving both parents.

Provide a Plan …….let them know where everyone is going to live and when they will be with each of you.

Be Prepared……children will have questions. Be open and provide honest clear answers, but keep the accusations and adult issues out of it.

Reassure Them…..Let them know you both love them and they are not in any way the cause of the divorce.

~Debra

Ten Tips for Preparing for Divorce Mediation

Here are some things to think about in preparing for the mediation of your divorce.

1. Envision civil negotiations.
2. Make a checklist for each session.
3. Sketch out a parenting plan or two.
4. Gather financial documents.
5. Strive for fairness in asset and debt division.
6. Draft a monthly budget for expenses.
7. Address the inevitable shortfall.
8. Consider spousal support and calculate child support.
9. Consult a family law lawyer.
10. Monitor your attitude. Stay positive.

--Nancy

Fall Harvest in Leavenworth!

Tomorrow I will be chairing the retreat for the Executive Committee ADR Section of WSBA in lovely Leavenworth, WA, where rumor has it the fall colors will be brilliant!

Fall timing is perfect because the retreat is an effort to harvest the progress the ADR Section made last year, guided by highly respected lawyer and ADR practitioner, Steve Crossland, http://www.crosslandlaw.net/, and I am privileged to lead the Section for the coming year. Our year included revising the ADR Section website, http://www.adr-wa.com/, beginning a newsletter, providing a list of ADR practitioners for the public, http://www.adr-wa.com/directorySearch-drPub.cfm , initiating a new and improved desk book, sponsoring a student clerkship, and revising the Section’s mission statement and bylaws.

What does this have to do with divorce mediation? A lot. The ADR Section’s mission is to promote the informed use and best practices of ADR processes by providing resources; educating members and the public; and addressing issues relating to the growth and development of ADR services in the State of Washington……all to serve clients better…divorce clients as well as all other clients.

We are a diverse group of ADR professionals from various areas of Washington, practicing mediation….both evaluative and facilitative styles, arbitration, conflict coaching, collaborative law and cooperative law. This diversity is what makes the ADR section an exciting, progressive, albeit sometimes challenging group….and allows for big possibilities….we can blend our knowledge and outlook to create progressive programs.

This year the ADR Section Executive Committee expanded to 13 members, an effort to give the group more depth and understanding of the various practices. We will put our heads together to create ways to broaden ADR practice and promote best practices for the public benefit……coming at it from mixed perspectives….exciting possibilities to serve better!

~Debra

The Best Interests of the Children

We encourage parents during divorce to put their children first. This can be hard to do when you are in the middle of conflict. It reminds me of a cartoon in which a guy is standing on a sidewalk and there’s a sign above him with an arrow pointing down to where he’s standing which says: “In the Thick of It.”

When you’re “In the Thick of It,” sometimes it’s hard to think about the best interests of your children, or to see clearly what the best interests of the children are. Conflict brings hurt and anger, and maybe even fear, all emotional states in which looking out for number one can be the default position. Sometimes there’s temptation to not call on our best selves during divorce. By focusing on the best interests of your children, you can be motivated to think beyond yourself for their greater good.

Another way to think about this is to think about how your children, if they were older and/or knew all the circumstances, would react to your behavior during the divorce. Would they would be proud of you? If not, walk yourself back from the edge of disrespect or ignoble deeds. If so, you’re doing the right thing.

--Nancy

Wild Ride!

The stock market’s been a wild ride over the past year and unlike rides in amusement parks the ride is NOT amusing! The situation increases anxiety for divorcing couples who are already stressed out and feeling the pressure of financial shortage….and it creates havoc for asset valuations.

The stock market roller coaster can really cause a mess when valuation dates are imposed by the court. For example, stocks could be worth $500,000 on the valuation date but when they are actually distributed to the spouse receiving them the value could be $250,000 or less in this market! What can you do?

First, don’t panic. And don’t let the court decide. You and your spouse are the two people who care the most about your assets and how they are distributed……talk over how to account for stock market turbulence in mediation.

Second, remember you and your spouse have common interests. It is important to each of you to preserve your assets.

Third, understand your assets. Review your assets and make sure you know what assets you own, the risk factors, and how best to preserve them. A visit to a financial advisor can help you with this.

Fourth, brainstorm. Take volatility, personal needs and objectives, asset mix, and tax consequences into account. Work together to create options that both spouses understand.

Finally, create the best plan you can. Do not allow a court to decide your future. Remember, courts generally do not consider your needs and interests or take stock market volatility into account.

Mediators are not financial experts, but through the mediation process clients can work with experts to discover tools and common interests and create a plan that works best under the circumstances!

~Debra

No dukes

I liken litigation to duking it out. There are three main drawbacks to litigation. (Yes, this blog has a bias.) They are:

1. Impact on Children
2. Cost
3. Impact on You

Never underestimate the impact on your children that protracted litigation with your spouse will have. Your kids are already upset that your divorce is about to make a huge change in their lives. It’s also hard for them to hear one parent disrespect the other. You’re their parents. They love you. So think about what it will feel like to them for their parents to get into a bitter lawsuit.

Litigation is prohibitively expensive. Let’s say your divorce lawyer charges $400 per hour. Let’s say you’re angry and you want your lawyer to take your spouse’s deposition. Let’s say it takes your lawyer 10 hours to prepare for the deposition (lots of documents to review) and 8 hours to take it. That’s $8,000. You may be able to negotiate a mediated settlement, and be done with it, for less money than it would take for one deposition. Save your money for your post-divorce future.

As for the impact on you, in my experience, protracted conflict only gets more bitter, not less. Not only is that a lot of wasted energy, it’s looking backward instead of looking forward. Save your energy for something positive, like your post-divorce life.

--Nancy

Open The Door To A Better Future!

“Isn’t mediating in the same room only for couples who are cooperative? I don’t feel comfortable talking to my spouse and don’t want to sit in the same room with them! They are much more powerful and I don’t want to listen to their barbs and blaming!”

Mediation is not easy….however, joint session mediation opens doors and builds cooperation! Couples cannot change the past but joint session mediation is an opportunity to have a better future.

The mediator manages the process and skillfully helps the couple have a meaningful, respectful dialogue in which they collaborate, plan and create an agreement to move forward. In joint sessions the couple actually learns constructive communication tools to use, not only in mediation but also after the divorce, rather than sticking to their old, adversarial, unproductive communication habits.

Joint sessions advance self-determination and empowerment because couples actively participate and make decisions…..they have control of the outcome. Durable agreements are likely because the participants make decisions thoughtfully; if concessions are made, they chose to make them and understand why.

In contrast, shuttle mediation reinforces differences by actually “separating” the couple into two rooms; it keeps the wall between them…..literally! Couples stay stuck in positions, each side is worn down, and decisions are made under pressure, not for a better future, but to simply stay out of court; usually both spouses feel like they “lost”. The “agreements” are not embraced and frequently are not even understood. The result is usually increased acrimony that haunts them in the future!

Yes, mediating in the same room can be uncomfortable, even stressful. But it is far less stressful than preparing for litigation and spending hours on end in shuttle mediation where you are never really even heard!

~Debra

Real Divorce Mediation: How It Works

I co-mediate divorces with John Duda, M.F.T., a family and couples therapist who practices on the peninsula south of San Francisco. John and I appreciate the collaborative aspect of our mediation practice. Our clients tell us they appreciate the male-female, therapist-lawyer perspectives we bring.

We recognize that there are many well-qualified mediators in the San Francisco Bay Area and that everyone has different styles. We therefore offer a free thirty minute consultation to meet with prospective clients, explain the mediation process and answer questions they may have.

Divorce mediation sessions usually center on the main decisions which couples need to make. Those decisions include:

Parenting Plans: how to work out a plan that makes sense for the children, how the kids will split their time, what the transitions from one parent to the other will look like, etc.;

Division of Assets and Liabilities:

Residences: whether the house will be sold to a third party or whether one spouse can afford to buy out the other and remain in the house;

Stuff: how the cars and household furnishings and stuff will be divided up;

Businesses: how businesses will be evaluated and who will buy whom out;

Liabilities: what debts are owed and how they will be apportioned;

Budgeting: what each spouse’s expenses going forward are likely to be;

Spousal Support or Maintenance: whether it’s necessary or wanted, and if so, how much it will be; and,

Child Support: who will pay and how much; what it can include (health insurance, camps, college, etc.).

These are big decisions. As mediators we help facilitate these forward-looking conversations and assist the couple in reaching these decisions.

--Nancy

Why "Real Divorce Mediation"?

A colleague asked me yesterday why we call this blog “Real Divorce Mediation”?

Nowadays there are so many different types of mediation people are puzzled about what divorce mediation really is….”facilitative”, “evaluative”, “shuttle”……..what are they and which one is best? When I first started doing divorce mediation in 1988 the field was relatively new and uncomplicated. Divorcing couples met in the same room with the mediator, an impartial third person, who facilitated their discussions. All divorce issues were negotiated and decided by the clients. Issues included developing a parenting plan, reviewing income and expenses, determining child support and spousal support, and deciding property and debt division. Divorcing couples also knew there were two other options if they did not want to use mediation: 1) if they were lucky they could find two attorneys to help them resolve the issues cooperatively or 2) they could start the “War of the Roses” and litigate. That was then…….

This is now……the process of “Real Divorce Mediation” is the same……..tips for couples using mediation are:

• start the process at the beginning of the divorce;
• meet in the same room with an impartial mediator who facilitates the discussions;
• use cooperative consulting attorneys as needed to help you understand legal information, coach you about negotiation, help you brainstorm, prepare court documents, and go to court with you;
• choose when to use outside experts such as appraisers, accountants, parenting specialists and therapists; and
• come to agreement based on needs and interests.

The process occurs over time; the couple is involved in every step from beginning to end……creating their own agreement.

--Debra