Curiosity Is Everything

John Medina points out in Brain Rules that curiosity is everything.

Curious mind.  Cpen mind.  Responsive mind.  All three advance your divorce settlement conversations.

Invariably there are points in divorce settlement discussions where your spouse makes a proposal that you just can't swallow.  Your immediate negative reaction suggests that the proposal was never seriously considered.  It's easy to shoot down a proposal without full evaluation.  Before you automatically reject your spouse's proposal, cultivate your curious mind. 

Ask questions. 

• what makes your spouse think the proposal is good for you?
• how is it a fair proposal for both spouses?
• are there ways to tweak it to better meet both spouses' needs and interests?

Have a conversation.  By asking good questions, you both will think about the proposal more deeply.  Perhaps through more brainstorming, ideas and options will come up that meet each of your objectives better.  By having a conversation, the original germ of an idea may grow into an option that works for both of you.

Being curious and showing an open mind may create more options for the two of you.  A reactive "No!" shuts the door and cuts off the conversation.  Curious questions can open the door to more opportunity.

What do you think?

    ~ Nancy and Debra in cahoots in San Francisco

How Many Mediators Does It Take?

The 17th Annual Dispute Resolution Conference, an outstanding event sponsored by the Washington Law School Foundation ,the WSBA ADR Section, the King County Bar Association ADR Section, Resolution Washington and the Washington Mediation Association, was held last Friday and Saturday.

Lela Love, an accomplished Professor of Law at Cardozo School of Law, Director, Kukin Program for Conflict Resolution and the Cardozo Mediation Clinic, spoke on the challenges for dispute resolution providers in 2010 and beyond.

Humor can make a powerful point! Professor Love demonstrated this by telling a pointed joke which cleverly sums up the difference between litigation, arbitration and mediation….it went something like this:

• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: How many can you afford?

• How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: They do not change light bulbs, they tell you who is responsible for the darkness.

• How many arbitrators does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Same as judges, but you cannot appeal.

• How many mediators does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Mediators do not change light bulbs either; they help the light bulbs change themselves!

What do you think?

~Debra

Mediation Is Better Process for Divorce

Last Thursday I had the opportunity to hear Gloria Steinem, author and activist, famous for the Women’s Liberation Movement, speak at a fundraising luncheon for the YWCA.  She spoke in part about how empowerment starts with the least powerful.  She then gave her ideas about what the world would be like if the YWCA ran it……imagine…..differences would be celebrated rather than being regarded as negatives; hierarchal systems would be replaced with more humane systems and ultimately we would return to our instinctual nature to help each other rather than to compete with each other.

I wonder……what would happen if all divorce and family law matters went straight to facilitated, interest based mediation rather than to the courthouse, our hierarchal traditional approach which often exploits people, focuses on differences, is power based valuing win/lose, control and superiority and pits on family member against the other.  Mediation allows and encourages people to work together, to show natural empathy for each other and to find common ground and the best alternative for all.  What would happen if people getting divorced were guided to their natural instinct to have empathy and work for the benefit of all rather than being led to battle………..Let me guess:

·          Parents and children would feel better and smile sooner….

·          Agreements would be more durable……..

·          The process would be less painful and more empowering………that’s what would happen!

I am sure the list could go on and on …..what do you think?  We would like to know.

       ~ Debra 

Divorce Mediator's Toolbox

Last week in an effort to keep up on the trends and developments in the dispute resolution profession I attended the American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution 12^th Annual Spring Conference held in San Francisco.  

I could not be happier that I attended because it  gave me an opportunity to brush up on and learn new skills, to reconnect with colleagues and friends and to put new skills in my toolbox.  Three inspiring workshop presenters were:

Ken Cloke , dedicated and prominent mediator, trainer and consultant , and founder of Mediators Beyond Borders spoke about how to conduct  dialogue sessions that shift  people from power to interest based resolution and lead to more authentic interactions, mutual understandings and ultimately enhanced relationships.

David Hoffman, founder of Boston Law Collaborative,  committed and skillful mediator and collaborative attorney presented on the art of caucusing and how timely and competent caucusing can expand trust and open doors that may offer opportunities for dispute resolutions that the parties were not willing to consider without the mediator  “bonding” that can occur in caucus.

Nina Meierding,  a national leader in the field of mediation, spoke brilliantly about the art of communicating across cultures, including how different cultures express needs, deal with uncertainty,  and  perceive, structure and react to time.  I have seen Nina present for over 15 years and her material is always informative, fresh and useful.

One thing I can say about all three of these presenters is that they make going to the ABA DR Section conference worthwhile………………..I am deeply grateful for their willingness to keep our mediation tool boxes up to date!

~ Debra

Divorce Tax Tip!

The timing of your divorce could cut your taxes. Your tax bill could be significantly less or more, depending on your filing status as of December 31st.

Many people think filing status for filing their income tax return is prorated for the year; it is not. Your tax “filing status”, single or married, is determined on the last day of the year. In other words, if you are divorced on the last day of the year, your status is single; if you are married at the end of the year, your status is married.

Why is this important? Filing status determines your tax rate and how much you can take as a standard deduction. Tax rate and standard deduction vary greatly for each filing status and can greatly impact the amount of tax you owe to the IRS.

Washington has a 90 day waiting period after the divorce petition has been filed before a couple can be divorced. It may be too late to do anything about it if you did not file a petition before October 1st. However, if you did file the petition before October 1st, you should check now with a tax advisor to determine if it is better for you to be married or divorced on December 31st. I suggest you do this right away so you can schedule your final divorce hearing in time to get the benefits, if it is better for you to be divorced on December 31st. Or you might want to delay your divorce until after January 1st, if it is better to be married at the end of the year.

For information regarding filing status and other helpful tax information for divorcing couples take a look at the IRS Publication 504 “Divorce or Separated Individuals”.

~ Debra

Divorce and the House

Divorce is usually difficult. Emotions run high and at the same time divorcing couples have the added problem of figuring out the property distribution. This is particularly challenging when the market is down. Divorce clients I have seen in the past year have lost 15-30% of their home value, leaving the equity slim to none…or worse, negative. During a down market no one wants to sell their house, often times their largest asset; many divorcing couples are opting to keep joint ownership, hoping the market will turn so no one “sells” during a down market.

What about the flip side? What happens if you buy your spouse out of the house during an up market and are suppose to pay them back later when the market has dived? A Seattle colleague of mine told me about such a case like that recently. Here is the scenario:

Wife, wanting to keep the children in the home, keeps the house and agrees to pay husband his portion of the equity in the house in 5 years. Wife thought she could pay husband his $100,000, half of equity at the time, easily…or so it appeared 5 years ago. Then along came the severe economic downturn and the house lost $300,000 in value, more than the original equity at the time of the divorce. Property settlements are final so wife still owes husband $100,000 for his portion of the equity in the house. If wife sells the house now, she will be lucky to break even, but she will still owe husband the $100,000. She has no other resources, he wants his money. Now what?

The lesson is that home ownership is an investment and as with all investments the value may increase but the value may also decrease, each situation has its risks and rewards and these need to be considered when negotiating your property distribution.

For some information check out: "Minimize the Financial Pain of Divorce" and "Should you Keep the House in the Divorce?"

Please let us know your thoughts!

~ Debra

Don't Get Lassoed!

You are the best alternative to a litigated solution. Traditional litigation can make you feel like you have been hung out to dry.

The traditional litigation model, used by most divorcing couples, “fuels and feeds off of overwrought emotions”, states Philip Mulford in Contemplating Divorce? Consider Mediation.

Why is this? Divorce is not just a legal problem it is a family problem. Courts are not really set up for family problems. Using a judge to decide your case is like asking a rodeo rider to train a thoroughbred filly to run the Kentucky Derby. The rodeo rider is skilled at one set of rules and applications, but the horse probably would not end up being a winner….and most likely, neither will you, your spouse or your children, if you use traditional litigation.

Why? Because even the most conscientious judges use laws that are not unique to you and apply them using their own judgment to a very small amount of information…only what you manage to get into court. They do not really know you or your spouse, or your children for that matter, let alone the real situation. Ultimately you end up with their solution to your life issues based on a very limited amount of information.

There is another option. You and your spouse can work with a mediator to create your own, distinct solutions to your issues, based on your unique interests and needs. You and your spouse may have a difference of opinion, but you at least know your own real needs and interests, and you know at least most of facts. It only makes sense that the two of you are the best people to make the necessary decisions, you are the ones who care. As Mulford says, “clients in mediation remain in control of the decisions that will affect them and their children for the rest of their lives”.

You do not need to be lassoed by someone else’s decision; it could feel like a noose around your neck.

Please let us know your thoughts.

~Debra