Asking the Questions

Choosing your divorce mediator is personal. Think about it. You’ll be discussing and making decisions about the things you care about most…..your children, your home, your money, your future, your security, your life. Interview the mediator, ask questions, and make sure they are knowledgeable, dedicated and compassionate. If they will not talk with you before you start, don’t hire them. I have never met a dedicated, compassionate, knowledgeable mediator that is unwilling to talk with a potential client.

Ask about the traditional “need to know” things such as:

• Process…What process does the mediator use? A facilitative process with the parties in the same room, even if it sounds hard, is the most productive and produces the most sustainable agreements and client satisfaction. Shuttle mediation with clients separated is often done for the benefit of the attorneys because they cannot handle client emotions themselves, so the clients lose the benefit of face-to-face dialogue.
• Experience…Have they mediated a substantial number of divorce and family cases? Have they had experience with the types of emotional situations you anticipate? Mediation is not therapy, but emotions will come up so the mediator needs to be able to guide you through these. Does the mediator have experience with the types of substantive issues (parenting, property, debt, spousal and child support, tax, legal)? If they do not have sufficient knowledge in these areas the mediator will either miss or sub the issue out, costing you more time and money.
• Education and Credentials….Is the mediator an attorney, a therapist? Don’t stop here. Where did they receive their training and have they kept on learning and perfecting their skills? No matter what the education is, make sure the mediator also possesses sufficient experience to mediate effectively. Many therapists have knowledge about financial issues and legal issues gained from legal peers, trainings and prior mediation experiences and may be better mediators than inexperienced attorney/mediators; many attorneys have knowledge about parenting and communication gained from trainings, child specialist peers, readings and prior mediation experiences and be better mediators than inexperienced therapist/mediators.
• Passion….is the mediator dedicated to mediation? The most effective mediators are the ones who believe in the mediation; they know it serves clients best.
  
  Ask the right questions….you will find the best mediator for you and your spouse.

~Debra

Mindful Mediation

Last weekend approximately 250 mediators, arbitrators, lawyers and conflict resolution professionals gathered at the 16th Annual Northwest Dispute Resolution Conference in Seattle, Washington. This conference is an outstanding collaboration between The Washington Law School Foundation, the ADR Section of Washington State Bar Association, Washington Mediation Association , the ADR Section of the King County Bar Association and Resolution Washington.

So how was it? Exceptional as always! Mingling with colleagues and friends, catching up on new happenings in the ADR community is always inspiring, but what I noticed most this year was how many of the workshops focused on…or at least brought up “mindfulness”. The keynote speaker, Leonard Riskin, ADR pioneer, has been advancing meditation and contemplative practice to improve service to client and increase professional satisfaction since the late 80’s. Followed by eminent Kenneth Cloke, of Center for Dispute Resolution, Santa Monica, co-founder of Mediators Beyond Borders and author of numerous books and articles. I was delighted for the opportunity to reconnect with Ken; I had the pleasure of taking a training from Ken a couple of years ago that gave me an even deeper appreciation for the mediation work that I do. Ken spoke about the language of conflict; as always with Ken the value of a meditative style and staying mindful were woven throughout his talk.

Stephanie West Allen, wise and delightful, known in the ADR community for developing a ground-breaking mediation model that utilizes neuroscience, spoke on shifting from reactive mind to responsive mind which requires the practitioner to take concrete steps in mindfulness to implement. Stephanie has an incredible blog. I was grateful for the opportunity to share dinner with Stepahnie and Leonard along with a few colleagues...the time to connect was invaluable and enlightening!

Mindfulness and mediation go hand-in-hand, so I could not resist finishing the day by participating in Doug Nathan’s Mindful Mediation: Managing the Stress in the Room for Improved Results. Doug is a Seattle based skilled facilitator, trainer and mediator who I have had the opportunity to meet through other colleagues, so I was very interested in what he had to say…and he said a lot! He connected mindfulness and mediation in a nutshell……citing John-Kabat-Zinn's book Full Catastrophe Living, described 7 components of mindfulness:

• Non-judging


• Patience


• Beginner’s Mind


• Trust


• Non-striving


• Acceptance


• Letting Go

Which, not surprising, are all essential to a mediator mind as well as a meditative mind!

Making Nice

Over the years, I’ve given and received lots of advice for how to act at a mediation. Put simply, it can be summed up in two words: “Make nice.” (Thus, the olive branch, above.)

“Make nice” because your children will be better off for it.

“Make nice” because the alternative to divorce mediation is an expensive and nasty court fight.

“Make nice” because in taking the high road, you will feel better about yourself.

“Make nice” because it creates good karma.

“Make nice” because it makes your life easier.

“Make nice” because you will be happier.

“Make nice” because this is not a struggle to the death, it’s a transition to a new and happier life.

“Make nice” because it’s a true reflection of your authentic self.

“Make nice” because it will be reciprocated….eventually.

“Make nice” because you want your children to be proud of you.

--Nancy

Everything is Negotiable

We Americans generally accept the stated price of goods and services as non-negotiable. I found this assumption to be inaccurate before the financial downturn. It is even more inaccurate now.

Think about it. Not only is your family hurting, everyone is hurting. A merchant is more likely to negotiate to make a sale than to let a sale get away. Some money is better than no money.

Recently I needed a smog inspection for my car. Many gas stations are certified for smog inspections, but the fee they charge varies from station to station. I first drove to the station nearest my house. The stated price was $69, plus $8 for the certificate. I asked the owner (in a curious voice) “How is it that a station two miles away is charging $35 for the same service?” He replied that he had better trained mechanics and that therefore his cost of labor was higher. I shrugged my shoulders and got back in my car.

I then drove directly across the street, where the stated price was $65, plus $8 for the certificate. (Hurray, I’m already ahead!) “How is it,” I asked, “that a station two miles away is charging $35 an hour for the same service?” The clerk shrugged his shoulders. I turned to leave, stopped on the doorsill, then turned back to ask, “Would you do it for $50 flat?” He checked with the owner: “Fifty plus $8 for the certificate.” Deal. When I negotiate, I like to leave the other side with a face saving gesture, so I accepted his counter. That way, he got to feel he negotiated, too.

(In the drive from one station to the other, I realized that I really didn’t want to drive two miles away and wait 90 minute in an unfamiliar coffee shop, when I could walk to and from my house and work at home while my car was being serviced.)

My bottom line. Station #2 was closer to my home. It served my interests. And I saved $19 from where I started.

You can read my post about negotiating for specialty gin, here, at my other blog, Civil Negotiation and Mediation. Try negotiating. You will sharpen your skills and save some money, too. A win-win.

--Nancy

Choose Facilitation!

Today I was planning to set out some questions for you to ask a mediator in order to determine if they are someone you might want to use as your mediator. However, I read an article, "Certification of Mediators Needed Now More than Ever" published in the Association of Conflict Resolution (ACR) Family Mediation News, Winter 2009, about certifying mediators which was written by Stephen Erickson of Erickson Mediation Institute , and decided to comment on this article first. Stephen Erickson is the Co-Chair of the ACR Taskforce on Mediator Certification and co-founder and second president of the Academy of Family Mediators (now merged into ACR) and is an esteemed mediation trainer and leader in the field of family mediation.

As he points out, the fundemetal and essential element of mediation is self-determination. This is the key to an agreement that is empowering for the participants!

Before the Academy of Family Mediators (AFM) merged with two other organizations to form Association of Conflict Resolution (ACR), it defined self determination as follows:

“The primary responsibility for the resolution of a dispute rests with the participants. The mediator’s obligation is to assist the disputants in reaching an informed and voluntary
settlement. At no time shall a mediator coerce a participant into agreement or make a substantive decision for any participant.”

As pointed out by the article two styles that people calling themselves mediators often use but which are not mediation because the styles do not support self-determination and actually promote coercion are:

• Evaluative processes
  
• Directive processes

Both of these processes usually involve the so called "mediator" giving their evaluation of some aspect of the issues and often times take place with the cleints in separate rooms; these methods fly in the face of real mediation, which is interest based and promotes self-determination. These methods are coercive and adjudicatve processes and clients generally find them to be extremely unsatisfactory.

So the first thing to ask a mediator is: Do you use a facilitave style or an evaluative or directive style?

If they say an evaluative or directive style, or if they do not know what you are talking about, call another mediator who is able to effectively mediate using a facilitative, non-evaluative style...after all...it is your life!

~Debra

How To Choose a Mediator

Divorce mediators are not all created equal!

First, know what you are looking for in a mediator!
What are your most challenging issues? Do you need help with debt and asset division? Child or spousal support? Parenting? Parental alienation? Alcohol or chemical dependency? On-going communication? All of these issues or something else? Divorce mediators usually do not offer direct advice, but it is useful if they have a background working with the issues that you think might be the most difficult.

Second, do some research and narrow down your choices.

• Training: Association for Conflict Resolution approved basic 40-hour divorce and family mediation training is a good beginning, but also ask about subsequent trainings the mediator has taken to hone their skills.


• Education: Most mediators had a profession before they became a mediator. Do you have property, debt or support issues? A mediator with a financial background might be good. Do you have parenting issues? A mediator with a therapy or child development background might be the best choice. Do you need a mediator who understands legal issues? You may want a mediator who practiced family law.


• Experience: How many and what type of cases have they mediated? And, more importantly, have they interned with a competent mediator? This can be the key to really effective mediation and most mediators have not done this!


• Collegial Network: Skilled mediators usually have a network of professionals with whom they can refer you to for additional help throughout the process, including lawyers, therapists, financial professionals, child specialists, and coaches, to name a few.


• Professional Associations: Most committed and top divorce mediators will be listed by national organizations such as the Association of Conflict Resolution or state bar ADR Sections.

Much of this data can be found on the mediator’s website or their listing on mediate.com, a well-known directory listing of some of the best mediators.

Now you should have a handful of mediators to call. Next we will have some questions for you to ask when you call!

~Debra

Times are Tough

Everyone seems to be feeling the financial pain; divorcing couples all the more so, as they are transitioning from paying for one household to paying for two.

Here’s a blog for helpful hints on how to downsize and re-order your spending priorities: Frugal Dad. Check out his article: 75 Money-Saving Tips for Surviving a Recession.

Along this same line, see, 100 Great Tips for Saving Money at The Simple Dollar. If you want a thumbnail outline for personal finance, read this article with 5 basic points.

Here are some websites for the bargain hunter in you.

Travel: Kayak compares air fares world-wide.

Apparel: Two of my favorites: Overstock and eBay.

Magazines: Discount Magazines at $5.95 for one year's subscription.

Online coupons: Coupons.com.

San Francisco Bay Area: Half off!

Seattle: Half off!

If you have a favorite financial or bargain website, please share it with us by leaving a comment. Thanks!

-Nancy

Update. Through Carrie Kirby's blog, Wise Bread (h/t Time magazine), I found Hot Coupon World. Worth a look. And see this article about bargaining down medical bills in the New York Times.